[Fast Food Review] McDonald’s Cherry Berry Chiller

May 19th, 2012 60 Comments

Purchased at: McDonald’s
Cost: $1.99
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daiquiri

I think that I’ve only had one “McCafe” beverage since the brand was launched a few years ago in an attempt (which worked) to fool people into thinking there is anything sophisticated about McDonald’s. And honestly, I don’t remember what it was… some coffee thing.

I decided to give the new Cherry Berry Chiller a try for a few pretty simple reasons. For starters, I haven’t been reviewing lately and I really need to start it up again. On top of that, it looked good in the product picture on the menu and considering it was 85 degrees, I thought it would accompany my Flying Cow nicely.

I was actually pretty surprised at how good it really was. It’s very sweet, just a tad bit sour, and very refreshing. The flavor of cherry is most adamant, with the raspberry adding a subtle assisting flavor to the mix. And since it’s flavored with 100% fruit juice, it’s also chock full of vitamins, right? Wrong? What? I don’t get it. But that’s right, there is actually nothing nutritionally positive about McDonald’s new Cherry Berry Chiller. Despite being made from 100% fruit juice.

Still, the drink is fairly priced at $1.99 and it is totally worth the extra 99 cents to get this as opposed to a soda, especially taking into consideration the fact that this seasonal item won’t be around as long as, say, Diet Coke. The super sweetness and juicy goodness accompanied my salty, greasy meal nicely and, all things told, I’m actually very surprised with the quality and value of the Cherry Berry Chiller. Can you make it at home with your own blender? Yes of course you can, but it’s so much easier to pay a corporation to do it for you.

In fact, the only truly negative comment I can make about this drink is that it melts too damned fast. Like… seriously. Fifteen minutes. And that complaint is completely unfair since the whole concoction is only juice and ice. Why wouldn’t that melt quickly in near-90 degree temperatures? I feel like an idiot for even whining about that.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Yeah, it totally does. The Cherry Berry Chiller was a pleasant surprise for me, as it managed to deliver on everything I wanted from an icy summertime treat. The sugary sweetness sings with the soft accompaniment of sourness, blending together to create a wonderfully refreshing and cooling drink to accompany whatever meal you may prefer to order. It’s not perfect and lacks any nutritional value, but at least it tastes pretty damn good.

Other Reviews:

The Impulsive Buy
Brand Eating

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[Fast Food Review] Bacon and Bleu Chef’s Choice Burger from Burger King

April 23rd, 2012 30 Comments

There aren’t many things in this world I take seriously. Academics, my job, and my personal health are all things that take a back seat to life’s far more important offerings. Things like zombie movies, whiskey, and browsing the camping section at Walmart while wishing I would have done well enough in school to have earned a better job so that I wouldn’t have to drink myself into oblivion every night in ill-fated attempts at coping with the fact that I now have to live in a tent because I’m a complete failure. Also, hamburgers. I love hamburgers.

BK Bacon and Bleu Chef's Choice Burger

Generally speaking, I tend to separate burgers into a few different sub-categories; low-end, middle class, and the 1%. Low-end burgers are what you’d expect to find at most fast food joints. It isn’t that they are bad by any means, it’s just that they are quickly thrown together with less-that-fresh ingredients. Their biggest advantages are being quick, readily available, and inexpensive.

Middle class burgers are usually what you or I would make at home ourselves, or what you’d find at establishments like local diners, sit-down casual restaurants, and burger specialty joints like Five Guys Burgers and Fries. These burgers are served in casual environments, cost $10 – $15 served with a side and drink, and are often far more delicious than their low-end brethren.

Then you have the snoody, expensive 1%. I’ve never tasted one of these luxurious burgers and until I break the habit of being poor and wearing the same pair of blue-jeans for months at a time, I never will.

Burger King’s new Chef’s Choice Burgers are an attempt at serving a seemingly middle class burger and low-end burger prices, with the convenience associated with fast food. This happens all the time (hell, it is Hardee’s entire business strategy), but rarely turn out to be anything more than low-end burgers getting dressed up for an interview at a job they’re not qualified to work. And while Burger King’s Bacon and Bleu burger looks handsome in its tasty attire, the more you get to know it, the more you realize it’s nothing special.

And that is precisely the problem with BK’s newest attempt at crafting a faux middle class burger. It is quite simple nothing special. While I do admit that the artisan-style bun is actually rather delicious, I also acknowledge that it is the best part of the burger. The tomatoes, red onions, and romaine lettuce are all standard fast food fare, and the ground chuck patty lacks much flavor. However, the bacon was crisp and possessed a nice texture, and the signature bleu cheese was plentiful and melted over the patty.

The sad thing is, there was far too much bleu cheese on the burger. So much so that absolutely the flavor of absolutely every other ingredient was lost in the overpowering musk of the cheese. The bacon, beef, mayo… hell, even the red onions lacked the ability to maintain or establish a presence thanks to the surplus of bleu cheese.

And $6.99 for the sandwich alone? Ridiculous. Seven bucks before tax for a mid-sized burger with a fancy-sounding moniker slapped onto it is quite simply unreasonable for a hastily prepared  fast food burger. Seven dollars for a meal would have suited me just fine, but this product is a mere $3 away from what you’d spend on a meal at a dedicated burger establishment, and leagues away from being comparable in quality.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Honestly, I cannot say that it does. Burger King’s Bacon and Bleu Chef’s Choice Burger might fill you up, but not without putting a sizable dent in your wallet and leaving you feeling remorseful for spending seven dollars on a burger that falls below mediocre in quality. The flavor consists almost exclusively of bleu cheese, leaving an offensive taste in your mouth and horrible odor on your breath. While it certainly isn’t the worst burger you’ll find in a fast food establishment, it’s pretty close and is no where near worth the asking price.

Other reviews:

The Impulsive Buy
So Good

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[Snack Review] Beer Chips

March 26th, 2012 152 Comments

Purchased at: Some gas station
Cost: $1.19/9 oz. bag
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daiquiri

I’m not going to waste my time crafting a witty or informative product introduction, nor am I going to waste your time by making you scroll through it to the summary section of this review. Instead, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind. Right now, at this current moment, I can’t stop thinking about how much I really don’t want to go to work. It isn’t that I don’t like my job or anything, because I really totally love it. But I just feel like absolute shit today. The reason? I was prescribed some antibiotics recently, and I just took them on an empty stomach. Now I keep farting and puking, everything is spinning like a shitty ’80s music video, and my butthole is bleeding because I wiped too hard the other day. This happens every time I take an antibiotic (except for the bleeding anus… that does happens every time I wipe too hard, though).

Needless to say, I hold a very thorough disdain for antibiotics and their side effects. However I very much enjoy Beer Chips, which are chips made with beer (derp). I ran into these whilst my lovely girlfriend and I made a quick stop at a roadside gas station on the return trip from Five Guys Burgers and Fries, alongside two other flavors (Margarita and Bloody Mary), and decided they would be a great product to review since I haven’t reviewed anything in quite a while on this site (Holy shit… it’s been over a fucking year).

The packaging, all golden and shiny like Lenny Kravitz’s sexy eyelids in The Hunger Games and everyday life, is appealing and stands out on a shelf with similar products thus making it easy to spot. Inside, the chips are thick-cut and kettle-cooked to ensure a satisfying crunch. Aside from beer, which actually isn’t a very prominent flavor, the chips are coated with a delicious layer of salty goodness and coated in honey, which guarantees you’ll be wiping your hands on your already-stained undershirt and leaving greasy fingerprints all over your keyboard. It also tastes absolutely wonderful.

At only $1.19 per 9 0z. bag (though I’ve seen reports online of much higher prices), these are a total bargain. They have a great texture and taste, and competitively priced to match and ever undercut most of the gas station cuisine you’d find beside Beer Chips on the shelf. However, nothing I’ve said thus far has made me feel any better, and I still have to go to work. I’m never taking antibiotics again, no matter how bad the chlamydia burns my pee.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Beer Chips will almost absolutely satisfy your next snack attack. They’re sweet, savory, crunchy, and entirely delicious. Are there other, better chips out there? Absolutely. However, Beer Chips has a really awesome and effective gimmick going for it, which is sure to make just the novelty of having chips made with beer worth storing a few bags in your cupboard for the next poker night or football game or whatever “manly” guys do with their time. I just watch porn and play Zelda, and Beer Chips certainly offer great accompaniment for my recreational activities.

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[Fast Food Review] Sonic’s Chicago Dog

March 19th, 2011 140 Comments

Purchased at: Sonic
Cost: $1.99, $3.99 combo
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daiquiri

I love hot dogs. I always have. However, I must admit that until I was about 16 years old or so, I looked at hot dogs as being on par with a bologna and cheese sandwich. Grab an Oscar Meyer wiener from the fridge, throw it in the microwave for 30 seconds or so, throw it on a bun, top with mustard and eat. While that most basic way of consuming a dog is unarguably delicious, I ultimately discovered how diverse hot dogs truly can be.

One of the most popular ways to serve and eat a hot dog, as well as my personal favorite, is Chicago-style, which commonly includes, but is not necessarily limited to, relish, onion, tomato, celery salt, a pickle wedge, a couple of peppers and mustard. Looking at that list of condiments and understanding that I love every succulent topping I just listed, it is easy to understand why I’m so fond of the Windy City’s hot dog. Even if I’m not fond of their pizza, is not even listed in the top places at brooklyncraftpizza – best pizza places to come.

Review:

Sonic’s offered Chicago Dog contains all of the aforementioned toppings except for onions, making it a cookie-cutter rendition of a popular sandwich. That is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, and in fact it would likely go against Sonic’s best interest to mix up the winning formula that has been accepted by a vast majority of Americans for so long. Underneath the condiments you’re going to find a 100% all-beef wiener and a poppy seed roll. Sounds pretty good, right?

It is hard to mess up a hot dog. In fact, it is nearly impossible if you stick to condiments that work well with the hot dog itself. Assuming you follow that one rule, the three things that can make a hot dog simply good or amazingly delightful are, easily enough, quality of the dog, quality of the roll, and quality of the condiments. If you put quality with quality with quality, you’re going to have an outstanding hot dog. However, it only takes one of those three things to be less than great to really hold your hot dog back, unless the other aspects of the hot dog can make up for it.

Sonic’s Chicago Dog has a very delicious wiener. 100% beef dogs are almost always great and present an appealing texture and a very flavorful link. It’s a little thin in diameter, but that is easily forgiven when you see how fully loaded the dog is. The poppy seed roll is also a pure treat. It is chewy and flavorful, and the poppy seed coating, while very messy, gives an extra boost of subtle flavor.

The Relish is sweet, the peppers are spicy, the pickle is sour and the tomato is cool, with the celery salt and mustard bringing everything together nicely. The flavors all work well, which is to be expected.

However, it is with the quality of the condiments where Sonic falters a bit with their Chicago Dog. My pickles was a bit dry, the relish was too wet, and the tomato was far from fresh. It’s really a shame that the toppings couldn’t be more fresh, as that would make this one truly spectacular fast food hot dog.

Does it Hit the Spot?

It most certainly does. Despite a few shortcomings with condiment freshness, Sonic’s Chicago Dog is still a great-tasting, fairly-priced menu item with a quality all-beef hot dog and a delicious poppy seed roll. For only $1.99, it is definitely a cheap treat that worth tasting. Add a drink and some tots for only two bucks more. While there are certainly better places to grab a more delicious, more authentic dog, Sonic serves one of the best Chicago Dogs fast food has to offer.

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[Snack Review] Pizza Supreme Doritos

February 21st, 2011 50 Comments

Purchased at: Kroger
Cost: $3.49 for an 11.5 oz bag
Reviewed by: Xaquiri Daiquiri

The Doritos brand has been on one hell of a hot streak with me lately, as every new product they release that I review (selecting which items to review is a scientific, random, and sporadic endeavor) receives a very high score. Just looking at the past few flavors through the Everyview archives, we see that Tacos at Midnight scored a 9.75, All Nighter Cheeseburger pulled a 9.5, and Mr. Dragon’s Firechips brought in a 9.0. I don’t care what company you are, that is impressive. Granted, there were plenty of flavors that were introduced to the market between Firechips and Pizza Supreme that I wholly neglected, but that’s not exclusively because I’m an awful reviewer. I’m also broke.

However, walking through the aisles of Kroger, where I am sadly employed, and looking for something to eat along side my soggy and stale (yes, at the same time) chicken sandwich I bought from the deli, I came across these and was finally excited to review something again. If you can’t tell by the lack of posts that has gone on not only this site, but Everyview and Caffeine Critic as well, I’ve been in a bit of a lull lately.

Well, that was like three weeks ago, and I still haven’t reviewed them. Thankfully I stopped caring about my homework assignments today, and this is probably the best way to avoid responsibility while still feeling productive.

Review:

I’m not going to lie. I would have ideally preferred if this new flavor of chips came emblazoned with the “Late Night” sub logo across the front of the bag, a billboard that would have signified I was in for an insanely tasty treat. The “Late Night” line of Doritos uses natural flavoring to achieve maximum snack food potential. You see, they essentially freeze dry all of the ingredients that go into whatever flavor they’re making, turn it into a fine powder, and sprinkle it over each triangular corn chip. It’s a miraculous process that yields mystifying results.

These, however, are just regular Doritos, so I was expecting the standard, artificial pizza flavor. You know the one. It tastes nothing like pizza but you’ve been conditioned, by potato chip after salty potato chip, to recognize that specific blend of salts and flavors to accept it as pizza flavor. Well, that’s exactly what these are. And while also very similar to every other “pizza” flavored snack on the market, Pizza Supreme Doritos are better than a lot of them for one reason; they don’t skimp on the seasoning here. This makes a treat that is vastly similar to, say, Pizza Pringles, only much more flavorful.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Yeah, they do. While not necessarily great, Pizza Supreme Doritos are certainly very good. They are very salty and very heavily flavored with whatever spice and seasoning mixture makes that good 0l’ artificial pizza flavoring that so many brands of snacks have used, a truth that makes the newest flavor of Doritos a slight slice about the rest, simply because they use more flavoring. Still, no matter how hard any brand every tries, no one will ever topple Combos, who offers the all-time best “pizza” flavored snack on the market. Try to argue with me. You can’t.

Other reviews:

The Impulsive Buy
Brand Eating
Dan Reviews the World

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[Fast Food Review] Taco Bell’s Quad Steak Burrito

January 27th, 2011 24 Comments

Purchased at: Taco Bell
Cost: $4.99
Reviewed by: Xaquiri Daiquiri

I just ate a Quad Steak Burrito, the new menu item from Taco Bell. Advertised as their largest burrito ever, this beefy behemoth is loaded with four portions of Taco Bell’s new and improved steak, marinated and seasoned to glorious sodium overdose-inducing perfection, as well as some seasoned rice, sour cream, fire-roasted salsa, and cheddar cheese. Sounds bad for you, doesn’t it?

Honestly “bad for you” doesn’t even begin the Quad Steak Burrito. Get this; Taco Bell’s Quad Steak Burrito weighs in at an astounding 690 calories, 26 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 2,210 mg sodium, 72 g carbs, 100 mg cholesterol, 5 g fiber, 41g protein. It’s certainly not the worst thing you can put in your mouth, but it’s still pretty bad, especially that 2,210 mg of sodium.

How do I feel now that I’ve downed an entire Quad Steak Burrito? Well, in a word I feel full. However, I also feel tired, fat, groggy, gassy, and lethargic. What’s even more important is what I’m not feeling: the left half of my body.

Review:

No, really. Heart attacks are nothing to joke about. Haha.

Anyway, the entire point of this review is to let you know let you know whether or not the Quad Steak Burrito is good. And, really, I shouldn’t have to answer that question. I’m not saying that it’s a stupid question, because there’s no such thing, but honestly. Think about it for yourself for a second. It is a giant burrito from Taco Bell loaded with a shit ton of steak. Let’s walk through this:

1. Do you like Taco Bell?
If you answered yes to that question, please continue to question two. If you answered no, please put down your pencils and go on about your day.

2. Are you a vegetarian?
If you answered yes to that question, thank you for participating, but there’s no reason for you to be here. Good luck enjoying your life decision to eat what food eats, instead of food itself.

If you made it through the questionnaire above without me asking you to leave this site or criticizing your lifestyles for no justifiable reason whatsoever, then I’m pretty sure you’re going to enjoy the Quad Steak Burrito. There’s no reason you wouldn’t. It’s Taco Bell’s delicious marinated steak, a wonderfully smokey salsa, cool sour cream, and scrumptious seasoned rice, wrapped in a tortilla and given to you to eat. If that’s not your thing, then I don’t know what is.

If there was one complaint I would make about the Quad Steak Burrito is that it’s $4.99 for the burrito alone. While that is certainly fair, considering this is four portions of their steak, I think Taco Bell could easily charge $3.99 and I’d be much more happy with it. It’s not like this is a permanent menu item anyway, so they wouldn’t be losing potential profit for too long.

Does It Hit The Spot?

As far as I’m concerned, not only does it hit the spot, it destroys it. It’s big enough to satisfy even the hungriest of eaters, it’s got enough meat to satisfy any cow craving, and it’s tasty enough to make it worth ingesting something so ridiculously bad for you. It’s not perfect, and you might feel like shit when you’ve eaten all of it, but it’s still something satisfying and delicious to eat. If you love Taco Bell and steak, definitely give it a shot before it’s gone.

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[Candy Review] Extra Dessert Delights Strawberry Shortcake Gum

January 18th, 2011 26 Comments

Cost: $1.99
Purchased at: Casey’s General Store
Reviewed by: Casual Clay Cunningham

I like Bicycles. One time I rode my bicycle all the way to Cincinnati. Marcy Playground was there and they played a concert. Following the concert, I went to Five Guys, which is the Marcy Playground (ie, the best) of burger joints.

What does this have to do with Extra Dessert Delights Strawberry Shortcake Gum? Nothing. I’m just following the asinine guidelines we use for posting on this site.

In all seriousness though, I’m generally not much of a gum chewer, as I always feel the impulse to swallow it quickly, thus lessening the desired effect (which I guess is a sore jaw). I was, however, enticed to try this new Extra product, as Strawberry Shortcake just so happens to be one of my favorite desserts.

And I was pleased to discover the gum does possess a fairly authentic shortcake taste. The best thing about good gum is the ability to mix the flavor in with your saliva and rest the ball on your tongue, and this gum opens itself up nicely to that delicious practice.

There’s just one problem though, which is a common one with most gums, and that is a flavor which leaves about as quickly as it came. I never officially timed myself, but I would estimate the vast majority of taste was gone in about a minute. Once the flavor’s gone you may as well be chewing on air, and unfortunately the experience with this particular gum was much too brief.

Does It Hit The Spot?

Yes and no. Look, it’s gum. The only real components needed for a review are “does it taste good?” and “does the flavor last?” While the taste portion is there, the product only succeeds at a rate of 50%.

If you truly love Strawberry Shortcake and think you would enjoy tasting random bursts of it during the day, then I wouldn’t discourage you from trying this out. However, it’s hard for me to imagine the short-fused flavor won’t leave most people a bit disappointed.

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[Fast Food Review] Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burrito

January 6th, 2011 7 Comments

Purchased at: Taco Bell
Cost: $.99
Reviewed by: Xaquiri Daquiri

It’s about damn time Taco Bel got another decently hearty burrito on their value menu. Ever since the omission of the Five-Layer Burrito from the Why Pay More menu, pickin’s have been slim for fat kids looking to fill their belly without emptying their pockets. And the thing is, I wasn’t a huge fan of the Five-Layer Burrito anyway. I just ate it because it was cheap and filling. In all honesty, I’ve always had a bit of a grudge against it for being the product that knocked the heavenly Double Cheesy Beef Burrito out of the under-a-single-dollar budget range.

The newest addition is one that I was ecstatic to lay my hands on. The Beefy Crunch Burrito looked like a fat kid’s wet dream come alive, and on paper, it totally was. However, I am sad to say that Taco Bell’s newest value burrito king is also its worst.

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[Review] Wel-Pac Imported Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)

December 10th, 2010 23 Comments

 

Purchased at: Asian Market (Terre Haute, IN)
Cost: $2.99
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daquiri

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think it sounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

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[Fast Food Review] Burger King’s Breakfast Ciabatta Club

November 30th, 2010 14 Comments

 

 

Reviewed by: Zac Pritcher

How long has Burger King had breakfast?

As long as I can consciously remember. I’m sure if I dug deep enough into my suppressed memory I would be able to find a time that the King didn’t offer as much saturated fat as Roseanne Barr’s left thigh in the morning hours, but doing so is dangerous. Who knows what else I might find while digging through the purposefully forgotten banks of my memories? Forgotten stories of Uncle Chuck’s “games”? Concealed memories of my infant brother Todd, whom in a fit of jealous range I suffocated and ate, only to have my parents convince me it was just a dream so I could grow up and continue to function?

Nah, none of that stuff ever happened to me. But I feel bad for the sorry sonofabitch that just remembered losing their virginity to the football team when he was only seven years old.

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